Originally published April 24th, 2012
It’s Draft Time!
I could have gone the route of every other guy from West Coast to East Coast to… well, no coast. I could have broken down Andrew Luck and RGIII. I could have talked the top three RB prospects. Want to talk about the 13th best O-lineman that will go in the 4th round? Yeah, me neither. At the end of the day, all it takes is one team picking out of turn, or if you’re the Vikings losing track of time and losing your spot, to muck up the whole thing! I have a love/hate relationship with the NFL Draft. I love the day, I love following the picks and that anticipation between each team. I hate all of the build-up and wasted hours on sports radio breaking down every endless possible scenario by team, by round. So, if you’re with me — and really, even if you’re not — BEHOLD! The NFL/Avengers Draft! In honor of The Avengers, opening nationwide May 4th, I’ll break down every position and team that your favorite Avenger would get drafted to. I’d be willing to bet this will be the only NFL Draft article to get views after the draft is over! So… Avengers, err.. NFL Assemble!
There are #1 picks, and there are #1 picks. Captain America is any team’s dream franchise quarterback. I know what you’re thinking. Captain America, the big star on the chest — It’s a cinch he goes to America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys, right? Wrong. The President pulls a few strings on this one and Captain America goes to the Washington Redskins. (Who promptly change their name to something more patriotic.) There are heavy rumors that the Patriots were looking to trade up, but we all know that Bellicheck is secretly the Red Skull.
The Hulk is a cinch with the #2 pick. But where do you play the Hulk? Some teams look at the Hulk as a sure-fire running back or fullback, after all he’s virtually unstoppable! But, the team that takes him #2 is looking at a future HOF Left Tackle. There won’t be a better blocker in the league than the Hulk! The Green Bay Packers were a virtual lock to take him, but a team saw how good he looked in purple pants and swooped in. The Hulk goes to the Minnesota Vikings.
The Mighty Thor
And here you thought the Vikings were going to take Thor. Too easy. Thor is strictly an athlete pick. At the #3 pick, Thor is slated as a MLB for now. He’s the kind of player that will disrupt the O-Line and hound the quarterback. The team that chooses Thor is looking for a player with a nasty streak, and that isn’t real smart. Chicago Bears all the way.
There isn’t a pick with more confidence, arrogance, (and talent to match) than our #4 pick, Iron Man. Iron Man is a can’t miss prospect at Wide Receiver and he’s a perfect fit for the young and up and coming Seattle Seahawks.
The Dallas Cowboys take Black Widow with the #5 pick. Jerry Jones stays true to form and picks an attractive, overrated starter when other players were on the board that could add more value. And to any smart-asses, no the Cowboys do not draft Black Widow as a Cowboys cheerleader. Black Widow fills the role as a capable starting Strong Safety.
The Oakland Raiders stay true to form and draft “This Guy” at #6. Worse than even taking him in the first round is that they drafted him as a Punter. Way to go Raiders.
Hawkeye can hit any target standing still or on the move. A future HOF Kicker, Hawkeye gets picked up by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers where he matches Martin Gramatica in both skill and prima donna attitude. You suck, Hawkeye.
Hey, wait a minute! Loki is a bad-guy! Yeah, I know. Not all good players are good guys. Loki, the God of Mischief, is a magnet for trouble. He does one of two things — Tear it up on the field and get arrested. Yep, you guessed it, Cincinnati Bengals at #8. He’s an O-Lineman known for clipping, eye gouging, and overall poor sportsmanship. He’s a real ass, but the kind of nasty guy you want next to your Left Tackle.
Don’t worry, I didn’t forget Fury. Unlike the rest of our bunch, Fury gets signed as Head Coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers after they realize that Mike Tomlin is a pre-WWII Life Model Decoy of a younger Nick Fury that was stolen by HYDRA after Bill Cower’s retirement. HYDRA needed another man on the inside after their referees from Super Bowl XL were discovered (then covered up) by ESPN.
That’s the end of the first round! Who do you pick in the second? Break it down in the comments below! Enjoy the Draft starting Thursday, and be see The Avengers (opening everywhere May 4th)!